After You: Deference, Dignity and Chivalry
By Scott Farrell
©2008
The word “chivalry” is often spoken with a certain level of scorn, or at least mockery, by people who think of the concept as nothing but the genteel manners of an age gone by. They think of little old ladies clustered around a table of hors d’oeuvres, all twittering “after you,” “no, after you,” as the food gets cold. It’s chivalry as the antithesis of practicality — is it better to be polite, or get something done?
The ideal of courtesy and good manners became associated with the code of chivalry during the 12th and 13th centuries, as knights who came to serve in the courts of powerful lords and princes were expected to demonstrate a level of sophistication and refinement to distinguish themselves from lowly and uncultured “gens d’arms” or common soldiers. Knights of the period put great emphasis on the concept of “gentilesse” or “noble courtesy.” They were urged to be courteous with advice like: “Be nat hasty on brede for to byte” — in other words, when you’re at the table, don’t grab at the food (bread), but let others serve themselves first instead of being “gredy.”
An interesting example of such courtesy, cited by the medieval scholar Robert Grosseteste, occurred at a 12th century feast when an abbot and an earl — both very powerful and privileged men — saw that one of the dinner plates they were about to be served had a larger portion of fish than all the others. Out of courtesy, neither would accept the superior portion, so the earl ordered the servants to take the plate to a local charity and return with a new helping that was the equivalent of all the others being served.
Letting others be served first, offering a seat to someone else, stepping aside while somebody else passes through a doorway — these are all remnants of the chivalrous ideal of courtesy. Courtesy of this kind stands in stark contrast to the notion of equality and parity that is often held up as the “practical” rationale for abandoning the archaic niceties of chivalry. If everyone is equal, then no one has to wait, or defer, or step aside for anyone else. It’s just every man (and woman) for himself!
But like the courtesies of chivalry, the social dynamic of unfettered equality can be taken to a ridiculous degree. Not long ago, a YouTube video was circulating on the internet showing “pushers” loading commuters into crowded train with no more dignity or courtesy than a bulldozer uses when pushing piles of rubbish around a city dump. It was perhaps the ultimate demonstration of “equality,” but one has to wonder whether the dozens of men and women being groped and crushed by complete strangers might not have developed a sudden appreciation for the “old fashioned” concept of chivalry.
Similarly, not long ago, news services reported on a stampede of more than 20,000 people that occurred at the opening of an Ikea home furnishing store following an announcement that the first 200 customers would get a free gift. Three people were killed, and 16 seriously injured in a trampling that one paper ironically described as “medieval.” In this instance, a simple act of chivalry could have actually saved someone’s life.
Practicality sometimes has to take precedence over courtesy — if we all stand around saying “after you” all day long, no one is going to get anywhere, and nothing is ever going to get done. But chivalry reminds us that there are sometimes — perhaps even often — there are things more important than getting to the front of the line or grabbing a free trinket. Courtesy is, at its foundation, a respect for the safety, well-being and security of others. It is a demonstration, not of meekness and self-denial, but of strength and self-control.
Someone who shows courtesy, grace and dignity is probably someone who can be trusted to be loyal, fair and honest under pressure — the hallmarks of a good knight and an effective leader, and an example of the ongoing need for the code of chivalry today.
(Details of medieval courtesy and manners taken from “For Manners Make Man” by Mark Addison Amos in the book “Medieval Conduct,” University of Minnesota Press, 2001.)
Learn more about the issues mentioned in this piece with the following news links:
YouTube video showing Japanese “oshiya” or “pushers” loading commuters into a train car:
An article in The Arab News reporting a fatal stampede at the opening of an Ikea store in Jeddah, Sept. 2, 2004:
What’s new at the Chivalry Today website:
- Episode 25 of the Chivalry Today podcast: Interview Guest Peter Brears (author of Cooking & Dining in Medieval England) talks about feasts and the role of the knight in the medieval dining hall, along with Dugald Steer (author of Knight: A Noble Guide for Young Squires) on the code of chivalry for boys;
- Creatures of the Knight – How today’s vampires (such as Edward Cullen in the new movie Twilight) cast strong reflections of chivalry;
- Is Disrespect “The New Chivalry”? – One young commentator disputes the notion that women have no need for chivalry today.
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PASS IT ON! — Readers are permitted and encouraged to share this article with others as a way of furthering the understanding of the Code of Chivalry in the modern world. Scott Farrell’s live presentations, “Meet King Arthur” and “The Making of a Knight”are available to schools, libraries and youth groups throughout the Southern California area; more information can be found on our website. Please include all copyright statements and attributions when forwarding Chivalry Today articles. Copyright 2008 Scott Farrell and the Chivalry Today Educational Program. Visit our website at www.ChivalryToday. com .